No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
