I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
