Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
