It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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