i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
