The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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