she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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