WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
