You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
