I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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