If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
