just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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