I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
