Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
