I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Actions speak louder than pants.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
