K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
