when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
