Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
