my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
