sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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