i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
