I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
