Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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