he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
