I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
