she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
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