I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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