Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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