Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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