I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
