I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
