Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
