Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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