So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
