Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
