My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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