i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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