I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
