I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
