the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I was not drunk enough for that final.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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