That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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