No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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