just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
