New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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