I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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