we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
