how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
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Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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