I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
