I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
