I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
