Can Purell be used as lube?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
