my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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