Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Bring me that man meat
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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