Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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