Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
