so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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