I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize