you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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